Some Jerk with a Camera: Star Tours (1987-2010) w/ Spazz Master and The Wire
Preface Star Tours: The Adventures Continue, he is spanning the park using his phone Jerk: The speed ratings are off-the-chart! Oh, Hi. I'm Some Jerk with a Camera and welcome to my third episode, a three-way co-review of the original Star Tours, which ran at Disneyland from 1987 to 2010 before being replaced by Star Tours: The Adventures Continue. But, we'll get to that in a future episode. This episode was my very first time working with two very talented friends and collaborators who went on to basically become this show's supporting cast: SpazzMaster, whose various shows can be found at this URL www.youtube.com/RBGProds and, of course,The Wire grabs her onscreen, whose show An Idiot's Lantern can be found at this URL www.youtube.com/AnIdiotsLantern The Wire: Stop touching me. Jerk: Okay. The Wire, what do you remember about shooting this episode on location at Disneyland? Wire: I...remember... "Channel Awesome," keep this in mind, both Spazz and I are California-raised and we kind of grew up around Disneyland. So I remember, I really thought I knew what we were in for when we arrived to shoot that first video. Jerk: So young and naive we all were. The Wire: Yeah. Yeah. Jerk: We were exhausted. Wire: We were, that is still the most exhausted I have ever been at one of these parks. Jerk: And...and that's saying something considering what I've put you guys through since then. The Wire: Yeah, this guy at Jerk does Disneyland like hardened criminals do prison. Consider that for a second. Jerk: Not sure how I want to feel about that, but thank you, I guess. Uh, one thing I do want to say, we happened to shoot this review, by complete coincidence, on "Star Wars Day," May the 4th, on May 4, 2011. We released it on May 28, 2011, the week before this thing at "Star Tours: The Adventures Continue" opened and that was about a year and a half or so before Disney bought Lucasfilm, which is why there's no jokes or references to Disney buying Lucasfilm. And on that point- Wire: Interrupts That's timing. Jerk: Yeah, on that point, I'd like to say the following: to J.J. Abrams, Rian Johnson, and whoever is directing "Episode IX," I know all three of you are watching, you have the opportunity to make the original ride cannon. All you have to do is you have to invent some reason for there to be a 3rd Death Star, blow it up, which you are gonna anyway, admit it, and put a StarSpeeder 3000 in the background. If you do that, you will earn my eternal respect. Wire: It's that easy, or we get a Rex cameo. I want a Rex cameo instead. Jerk: One thing at a time. Wire: Better. Jerk: (to camera) Enjoy! and The Wire wave at us The Wire: It's your website, he's your problem now. Jerk: That's right, come at me Greedo. I will shoot first! zooms in on Jerk's face scene then fades to black and then to the original episode. We start with the a version of the "Long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." text, but here it says: "A short time ago in a theme park across the street from an IHOP..." Then the opening crawl starts with the "Star Wars Theme") Opening Crawl: Some Jerk With A Camera Episode III Star Tours Tours! Turmoil and unrest have engulfed the east side of the original magic kingdom. It is a dark time for the Land of Tomorrow, which continues crumbling under attacks by time itself. Hoping to resolve the matter with a series of inexpensive amusements, the evil Galactic Executives create a strange hodgepodge of monorails, mountains of space, dysfunctional rocket rods, three-dimentional pop stars you turn into shrink machines and then back again when dead, and something called "Innovations" which is beloved by nobody. As the Imagineers prepare to give up on the "future" theme entirely with a [[Finding Nemo] ride, the lone constant in the galaxy remains a simulated flight to the mood of Endor. Upon learning of this alarming consistency, the Executives prepare to close it down for "enhancements" [ By the time the 2nd paragraph of the Crawl ends, we hear Jerk's voice] Jerk Offscreen: Hey, who left the light off? blackness of space is the replaced with a room in Jerk's house, the stars and the crawl remain. Jerk is about to cross the room but notices the crawl from his perspective Jerk: Why are these words all backwards? Shrugs Damn kids. exits frame and turns off the light, the blackness of space returned. But Jerk is now watching the crawl from offscreen Jerk Offscreen: Lets get some real music in here! "Wake Me Before You Go-Go"plays That's the stuff! Ha-cha-cha! the crawl, black outer space turns into the blue morning sky, a rooster crows, the camera then pans down on "Star Tours: The Adventure Continues" and in front of it, Jerk. He appears to be asleep while standing up. After the song abruptly ends at "Wake me up!" Jerk wakes up. Jerk: Ketchup! What? Oh, Hi! How long have I been out? appears: "three months" Wow. I better get started. What am I doing again? beginning of the opening crawl appears again, showing Jerk what he's reviewing Right, right. Sad but true, folks. Star Tours, Disneyland's original groundbreaking motion simulator ride and the first Disney ride ever based on a non-Disney movie, closed its automatic doors in July of 2010. Jerk v/o: After 23 and a half years and literally millions of flights to Endor in which the exact same things always went horribly wrong, on June 3rd, it will reopen with an entirely different ride without a storyline, utilizing elements from... to Jerk standing beside the Star Wars: The Adventures Continue poster Jerk: disappointed *sigh* ... the prequels. facepalm I'm sorry, it's... This is going to be hard for me. I don't know if I can do this. "Meanwhile..." see The Wire and Spazzmaster reading books at a table next to a gift shop. Wire is reading a Game of Thrones book and Spazz is reading Screenwriting for Dummies. Wire: I sense a great disturbance in The Force... almost as if somewhere, somehow... Some Jerk with a Camera needs us. Spazzmaster, her book on the table I'm going to Disneyland. storms off to her left. Spazz gives an evil smirk and places his book down. Spazz: Finally. gets up from his chair and exits runs into a passersby, played by Byson Nysen, with a phone and grabs him by his shirt collar. Wire: Where is Disneyland? Passersby: It's over that way. to behind him. Wire pushes him aside and runs toward the park Jerk: But I know the original Star Tours must be reviewed before it's erased from all human memory just like the prequels were removed from C-3PO's memory, lucky bastard. And since I'm the only one who can possibly review it... to Yoda from [[Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back|Empire Strikes Back]] Yoda: No, there is another. back to Jerk, who faces The Wire at his right Jerk: The Wire of AnIdiotsLantern? You're my sister? Wire: confused Nope, not as far as I know. Jerk: Whew, thank god. Well, anyway, since The Wire and I are the only ones who can possibly review it... Yoda: No, there is another. back to Jerk, who faces SpazzMaster at his left Jerk: SpazzMaster? You're my sister? Spazz: sarcastically Yes, I'm your sister. Jerk: Whew, thank god... Spazz: How dare you!! Jerk: What? Spazz: You stole my idea of shooting stuff at Disneyland! Jerk: Oh yeah, I did. Spazz: Yeah, my Top 20 video? Jerk: Right, I've completely ripped you off. Spazz: I'll bet you've never even heard of Disneyland until I'' posted that video. Jerk: That is very true, but I think the more pressing issue right now is how The Wire is here. I thought you were trapped in a TV. Wire: They have TV's at Disneyland, you know. Jerk: Oh. Wire: Nah, actually, I'm just dreaming. Jerk: Oh, really. This is a dream sequence? Wire: Yeah, for me. I'm making you up right now. Jerk: How dare you. Wait, I thought this was ''my dream. Wire: No, if it was your dream, there'd be way more Inception jokes. Jerk: Oh, of course. Spazz: Wait, whose dream is this? Wire: It's a dream-within-a-dream. Jerk: Look, Inception jokes are so last year. Enough of these dreamy sci-fi gobbledygooks. It's time to review the Star Wars ride! All: EXCELSIOR!! pound their fists up in the air. They keep their poses for several seconds. Spazz: I'm still mad at you. Jerk: I know. to footage of the Opening of Star Tours Jerk v/o: Star Tours opened in Tomorrowland on Janurary 9, 1987, during an era when Michael Eisner miraculously knew what he was doing. to the 3 reviewers in front of the "Sword in the Stone" Spazz: tale Knight like accent Did such an era actually exist? Wire: fairy tale knight voice Are the fantastical legends true? Jerk: in fairy tale knight voice Yes, my children, that era was very real! at the sword So sayeth the scripture upon this sword! then tries to pull it out, but can't. He makes several comical grunts each time he attempts a pull. Wire: Spazz Do you want to say it or should I? Spazz: Yeah I should. Jerk So uh, Jerk? Jerk: frustration from his failure to pull out the sword What? Spazz: Have trouble getting your sword out? covers his mouth to hide his snickering Jerk: in his fairy tale knight voice I swear this never happens to me! Just give me a minute to concentrate! Spazz: Well, don't take more than 4 hours! leaves the frame to continue laughing. We then cut black with the caption "One minute to concentrate later..." Jerk is still struggling to get the sword out Spazz: The Wire So, you're in Disneyland's TV's? Wire: Security cameras. Spazz: Ah. So, you've seen...? Wire: Oh, yeah. If I had a childhood, it would be violated by now. Jerk: Could someone consult my physician!?! back to footage of the ride Spazz v/o: Star Tours was the first thrill ride to ever use military flight simulators as vehicles. The original deal called for multiple destinations, but then... to a clip from "Empire Strikes Back" Darth Vader: I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. Wire v/o: So, to save money, the ride was the same each time; a mercifully interrupted flight to Endor and for decades, "Star Tours" was the very last corner of the "Star Wars" universe untouched by George Lucas' footage of an interview of him is shown with the caption "Worse than Satan" rampant, psychotic destruction of his own legacy. Jerk v/o: But as always, if it's not good enough for George, it's not good enough for you, no matter much you already love it, you morons. to Spazz playing a Kid in a Disneyland gift shop George Lucas and arm and voiced by Tony Goldmark: Spazz a plush toy of [[Bolt]] Here kid, have a cute little puppy dog. Kid: happy Wow, thanks George Lucas! the toy Oh, I love my new little puppy dog! I'm gonna love him forever. George Lucas and arm: the toy from the kid I'll take that! Kid: Disappointed Hey! George Lucas and arm: Nah, this puppy isn't cute enough it away, I'm gonna take it to ILM and make it a CGI groundhog that says "Whazzup?!?!" You're welcome him a thumbs up Kid: his arms together This is the worst Life Day ever! Jerk v/o: I guess a "Star Tours" revamp was inevitable. I mean, Walt did create Disneyland as a place where things could change, because he too was frustrated that he couldn't change his movies after releasing them. And I have to wonder, if he had George's chutzpah, would he have even bothered with Disneyland or would he have just released a bunch of Special Editions where Bambi's mother shoots first or something? My point is: was "Star Tours" really still good enough for the 21st century or have twenty years of imagineering left it in the dust? Wire: I don't know if I can be objective about this, guys. See, when my creator Morgan was some five years old, she hadn't seen Star Wars yet. So, she thought that those flight announcements and tourism videos that you watch in the line were real. And she kept asking her mother if they were absolutely sure she remembered the tickets. Jerk: And? Spazz: Did she remember the tickets? Wire: No. No, she didn't because she was... Spazz: Ohh! Jerk: Right, because you had them. Wire: No, N-n-no, there were no tickets. Jerk: Ohhh! Spazz: Right, because they were on will call. Wire: Are you guys even listening to me? Spazz: Ohhh! Jerk: Right, because amphibians have one ventricle. Wire: I'm going over there. exits, annoyed Jerk: Ohhh! Spazz: Right, because Michael Bay is the antichrist! Jerk: We're geniuses. Spazz: High five!! and Jerk attempt one, but they miss each other's hands. Spazz looks up, disappointed Being in a dream sucks. Wire v/o: So, as you get further ahead in line, you start noticing this project's most ingenious aspect: animatronic droids, including count down to 10 with the caption "Worst joke in (countdown clock) long necked Wall-E? Spazz: Actually, the long-necked Wall-E is a stripped down goose from the old "America Sings" attraction. Wire: countdown is over here's the bad joke: Now, usually when I want to strip down a robot goose, I have to buy it dinner first. to Jerk doing the comedy rim shot at a drum set Jerk: the camera I did that under protest. Spazz v/o: Finally, you arrive at the front of the line and watch the pre-show safety video. Safety Instructor video screen: When the automatic doors are open, please be seated directly across the ramp. example of people being seated shows Chewbacca and Admiral Akbar as passengers. Jerk: Okay, bullshit!! I rode that ride dozens of times and I never once got to ride with Chewbacca or the "It's-A-Trap" guy. Disney lied to me again!! Wire: You're right, it really is a trap. Ugh, I bet that "when you wish upon a star" thing is bullshit, too. Jerk: Yeah. Spazz: No, it actually works. and Wire look at Spazz in bewilderment and confusion Yeah. That's how I won that new car. to Spazz sitting on the seat of the Mr. Toad car acting 'gangsta'. Cut back. And how I won that pet goat. to Spazz at a petting zoo behind a goat acting 'gangsta'; cut back And how I got trapped in that toy box. to Spazz in the Toy Story 3 toy box, once again, acting 'gangsta'; cut back All through the power of star-wishin'! appears: "Star Wishin' TM" gives a thumbs-up and smiles. He keeps that face throughout the entire scene, as if he's freeze-framed. The Wire snaps her fingers at Spazz's face, trying to get his attention. Announcer v/o: sped-up Star-wishin' is not for everyone. Side effects of Star Wishin' may include: caption "headaches, backaches, nausea, glaucoma, insomnia, paranoia, pericarditis, diabetes, effervescence, random leaky discharge, wooden gallbladder, cancer of the soul, pancreatic liver, allergy to shellfish, tooth insurrection, silly voices, bacon lung, sudden total bone loss, bloody hangnails, bastardly earlobes, cancer of the pie, spontaneous combustion, random jellyfish, testicular strawberries, longshoreman's purple disease, existentialism, not enough pens, too many pens, almost just the right amount of pens, sugary bowel extractions, disgusting bloody death syndrome, rogue elephants, oral radiation, gonorrhea, random stabs in the heart with a knife, six-second pregnancy, the Wrath of God, and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver." Always consult your cricket before doing anything whatsoever. Wire: Spazz, come back to us, man!! Wire v/o: Then, after you enter the cabin, take your seats and fasten your safety belts, we are introduced to our ship's droid pilot Captain Rex, voiced by the Spleen character in 1999s "Mystery Men" himself, Paul Reubens. * George Lucas would later re-use the name, Captain Rex, for a clone trooper who appeared in "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" and "Star Wars: Rebels" Jerk: Well, we've seen what he's capable of in a normal theater, what's be gonna do when the theater jerks around? * In '91, Reubens was arrested for public masterbation is an adult movie theater. this, all three scream as we cut to footage of "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" where Pee-Wee Herman and his anthropomorphic furniture yell at the the word of the day. Cut back to footage of the ride. Captain Rex: I know this is probably your first flight and it's mine too chuckles. Wire: Here's a fun fact: You could ride that ride hundreds of times and it would always be Rex's first flight! All: Must be Disney Magic! Spazz v/o: So, then the actual ride would start up and of course; SOMETHING WOULD GO HORRIBLY WRONG! ship starts flying out if control through out the space dock, until it finally heads into space. Captain Rex v/o: I meant to do that, a little short cut chuckles. to a clip from "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" Pee-Wee: shouts I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! see the ship starting to go into light speed. Capt. Rex v/o: Light Speed to Endor! ship goes into light speed and soon exits R2, we passed the Endor moon! Wire: Aww, but i wanted to see the Country Ewok Jamboree! down to see she has her hand on an TNT plunger. She strokes the top Soon, my pretty, very soon! Jerk v/o: So, after an awesome sequence in which our Star Cruiser encounters a comet shower and enters a fuckin' comet! Woo!! We in a comet, yo! Capt. Rex v/o: Well, we can relax now! Everything's under control and we'll be on our way to the Endor moon without any further delay. a trio of Star Destroyers in view. Oh no, we're caught in a tractor beam! Wire v/o Told you public transportation in California sucked! to Spazz, Wire and Jerk on the Disneyland Monorail, they're all looking at their cell phones Announcer: in a calm monotone voice throughout Welcome aboard the Disneyland Monorail; the smoothest, safest, most energy efficient vehicle ever built. of other passengers are hear and the camera shakes as if the Monorail is also shaking, none of this perturbs Jerk, Wire, or Spazz from their phones If you look to your right, you'll see we're being attacked by a hoard of robotic space monkey terrorists with killer bees. My god, that is sound of our monorail crashing into another monorail. Sweet, merciful heaven and humanity. gun fire is heard in the distance, they're still on their phones. If the guests have already reverted to cannibalism and wish to jump into the fiery wreckage, you will need a handstand to re-enter the park. Tonight's showings "World of Color" are at 9pm and 10:15pm. Thank you and God help us all. Spazz v/o: So, our Star Cruiser gets embroiled in an, honest-to-god, star war, even though this ride is supposed to take place after the movies. * Before "Force Awakens" had an Empire that still survived, "The First Order." The Expanded universe books also showed a the remains of the Empire still fighting. Wire v/o: Yeah, maybe these guys are like Civil War re-enactors. to Jerk in the lobby of "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln," holding a Stormtrooper helmet, playing a star wars re-enactor. Re-eneactor: a southern accent We of the "Star Wars Re-enactors Guild #52577" recognize all those weird freaky aliens who gave their lives to fight for and against the state's rights to blow up planets real good. It is for those crazy-weird looking aliens, those...those ugly, un-meetable, disfigured, freaks of nature before us, but- to the people he's talking to, two guys, two girls, two of which are Wire and Spazz, the others are played by Byson Nysen and Kristine Slipson Guy Spazz: yet still raises his hand Uh, excuse me, but not cool! I'm part alien, to the other three we all are! Re-enactor: Really? But, you all look so humanoid. Guy: Yeah, we all look humanoid, but that's because we've got a hundred years to crossbreed because our planets haven't been blowing up! Girl Wire: And wait a minute, "State rights to blow up planets?" Are you pro planet explosion? Re-enactor: I happened to think it looks cool. Now, are we gonna fight all day or are we gonna pretend to fight all day? Girl: her arms in the air Screw this! off frame Re-enactor: Fine, on Stormtrooper helmet I'll re-enact the "Star Wars" myself! uses his hands as ships flying, lightsabers dueling, and more with the sound effects he makes. The others start to walk away, leaving him to his playing. He says in a falsetto voice Oh no, it's the trap guy, ahh! to the commercial break and afterward back to the ride where the Star Cruiser get hit by a laser from a Tie Fighter. Capt. Rex: Ah! We've been hit! starts to head towards the Death Star R2, get the stabilizer fixed! Jerk: angry Why the hell is there a third Death Star? Capt. Rex: And hurry, we're losing altitude fast! responds back with his usual beeps and whistles Wire: Why the hell is there a third Death Star? back to the ride as the view screen shows X-wing fighters and tie fighters in a dog fight. Spazz: [Angry No seriously, why the hell is there a third Death Star? Capt. Rex: ready to do a trench run I've always wanted to do this! We're going in! Jerk v/o: I mean, don't get us wrong, yes, this is a fucking awesome sequence. Yes, it is so cool to be able to feel like you're doing this for real. But... All three reviewers and a Fourth person: WHY THE HELL IS THERE A THIRD DEATH STAR?!?! Fourth person Byron Nysen: This is an outrage! I demand my time and money back! Jerk: Who are you? Fourth Person: I don't know. leaves to back to Star Tours footage. The StarSpeeder is flying around the landscapes of the Death Star. Speaker: Red 24, I'm going in. Cover me. to what looks like a arcade flight simulator where Wire is in gear. She wears a pair of light-up sunglasses Wire: Red 24, are you going in? to clip from Captain EO Captain EO: We're going in. Wire: I was afraid of that. to Star Tours footage Speaker: I'm at target range! X-Wing Fighter in front of the StarSpeeder shoots at the Death Star causing it to explode It's a hit!! Spazz: That's right kids. Not only did they build a third Death Star, but they built the third Death Star with the same exact weakness as the first one. emerges from the right as the camera follows him Jerk: What kind of idiot mad man would spend hundreds of millions of dollars on three massively destructive projects that are all equally weak- and realizes Ohhh. to all the posters to the prequel trilogy, cut back to footage of the ride Wire v/o: So, Rex brings the cruiser home and, like any good robot, apologizes for all the fun we humans were foolish enough to have. Capt. Rex: Hey, sorry folks. I'm sure I'll do better next time. Hey! Hey! C-3PO: We do hope you enjoyed your tour at Endor and will come back soon. to "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Large Marge: Be sure and tell them Large Marge sent ya! cackles Spazz v/o: So, we disembark and, for the first time in Disneyland history, we exit directly into a gift shop. Michael Eisner, you magnificent bastard. to Jerk in said gift shop Jerk: And now, only this gift shop remains, until June 3rd, when the new ride opens. For better or worse, it'll never be quite the same. Despite all our prayers, the deal has been altered further. to the 3 outside Space Mountain, Spazz is drinking water And I've gotta tell ya, I am cautiously optimistic. Spazz and Wire: almost does a spit take What?!?! Jerk: I know, i'm surprised too, but I am cautiously optimistic. Spazz: Jerk, what is wrong with you?!?! Wire: at Jerk He's a bitch! looking ready to throw his water bottle at him. Jerk: I'm sorry, but even after... of the Prequels is shown with Weird Al's "The Saga Begins" Jerk v/o: ...Jar Jar and Watto and Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen and Jar Jar and Boss Nass and the rat tail to the braid Jedi Apprentices, mostly Obi-wan and Anakin, wear and the midichlorians and Jar Jar and all the CGI and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and the interminable C-span footage and that stupid fucking monologue about sand and all that to footage of a Patton Oswalt comedy special, Jerk repeats as he says: "You get to see him Vader as a little kid!" bullshit... Jerk: ...and even after... to a clip from "[[Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith|Revenge of the Sith]"] Darth Vader: Nooooo! Jerk: his arms in the air I still remain cautiously optimistic, sorry. Wire: her hand on his shoulder Jerk, you're among friends here, out an Ewok plush toy why don't you show us on the Ewok where "Star Wars" touched you? Jerk: Upset I already told you, I must've been asking for it! the Ewok toy on the ground, talk in a normal voice Look, the 2 things the Prequels kind of got right were to footage of... the scenery and the chase scene. That's pretty much "Star Tours" to a 'T.' cut to see the Wire talking the other 2, who are off screen, in front of the "Pirates Of The Caribbean" Ride Wire: You know, this whole thing just reminds me of how I felt about "Pirates" The Caribbean Ride being redone a few years ago. to footage of the updated "Pirates Of The Caribbean" Ride with characters from the films to the "Pirates Life" song. Wire v/o: I know, the "Pirates" changes weren't actually that bad. But, I can remember a time when you were one lucky bastard if the line was ever less than an hour long. Wire: And now, even on a busy day, you probably won't wait an longer than 15 minutes. Wire v/o: I can understand why they wanted to update the ride. But, I can't help but think they lost some of the magic when they did so. Check out how they promoted "Star Tours" back in the 80s. to an 80s commercial for "Star Tours." Footage looking like the Star Cruiser is actually flying out of the park and into space then to footage the Death Star from the ride. Announcer: Prepare yourselves for the ultimate Disneyland thrill attraction from the imagination of Disney and George Lucas! Because now, the adventure is real! "Star Tours" at Disneyland! Wire v/o: Fucking epic! And look how they're promoting the new ride. to the commercial for "Star Tours: The Adventure Continues." A guy is riding the ride nervous, he looks to his left to see... Admiral Ackbar: is sitting behind him, reading a news paper Bumpy flight and who know where we'll land. looks to his right at his son and wife, Darth Vader is sitting behind him with his lightsaber lit Son: dad What, are you scared? Dad: laughs No. Ackbar: Really? You look scared. Wire v/o: Lower your expectations folks, they're playing the "See, this kid isn't scared! Ha ha! Why are are you such a pussy" card. Sitting there and judging me while I'm trying to get into the experience. He's supposed to be scared, you morons! Because scared is exciting! Jerk Also, look how dead he [the son looks whenever he's not talking. What, did they freeze Jake Lloyd in carbonite again? back to the commercial where a Tusken Raider is staring at the mother. Ackbar: Ooh, somebodies got eyes for you. to Jerk back at the drum set, shaking his head in refusal to do a rimshot. Then cut to a picture of the Peoplemover ride with the caption "Empty peoplemover track" and then the same for "The Escalator To Nowhere." Wire v/o: I'd rather see them spend money fixing stuff that's broken then possibly breaking stuff that's working. But, I don't make the decisions and hey, maybe someone had some sort of kick-ass idea that would make "Star Tours" so much more exciting and daring and kick-ass and funny and they simply just had to do it! Maybe, but I doubt it. Spazz: Well, aside from what've already said in my video. I just have one question: WHY IS THE NEW RIDE IN 3D? Spazz v/o: I know 3D usually makes motion simulators better. example is the Universal ride "The Amazing Adventures of Spider-man" But guess what? "STAR TOURS TAKES PLACE ON A SPACESHIP!" Spazz: If you're on a space ship and stuff from outside is coming at you, guess what, you're dead! You, your family, dead! Deader than that fucking plant in Wall-E would've been if kindergarten science hadn't mid-jacked like in the movies! to Spazz nearby a Star Tours promotional poster. Jerk is behind the camera. These two don't belong in the same universe. Jerk: How do you mean? Spazz: Tie fighter, droid control ship. Original trilogy, prequel trilogy. AWESOME! SH-I-I-ITT. Jerk: You know it takes place between the two, right? Spazz: Oh, shut up! to the 3 in a more greener part of park. And further more, why did they get rid of the waterfalls at the Disneyland Hotel? Walt would've LOVED those if he had lived long enough to see them. Bad show, Disney! Bad show! Bad show, bad show, bad show-bad-show-bad-show! jumps up and down in circles while building up rage. He continues to yell "bad show" faster and faster. The Wire grabs him before he explodes. Jerk: Oh god. I've seen this before. He's going into full-on fanboy foamer mode. Spazz: voice There is no Spazz only Zuul!! Jerk: There's only one thing that can possibly restore him. Wire: You can't possibly mean! Jerk: Yes! Dress up as slave Leia! to a picture of slave Princess Leia with Jerk's face photo-imposed on her face Jerk: Feeling better buddy? to Star Tours gift shop Spazz: pleased I feel much better. Say, The Wire, one thing that still puzzles me. If this is your dream, how come there hasn't been any weird freaky dream stuff? Wire: a pink/yellow triceratops toy Gee, I don't know. Jerk: with his hand What are you guys talking about? Spazz: We were just talking about ketchup-ketchup-ketchup-ketchup... footage of Spazz saying "ketchup" repeats intermixed with The Wire and Jerk saying "ketchup" with nightmarish voices at various pitches, and numerous crazy filters. This is also intercut with The Wire, Spazz Master and Jerk screaming, Jerk snatching the dinosaur toy from the Wire, clips from Willy Wonka in the nightmarish boat scene, Return of the Jedi, and The Three Stooges, The Wire flailing her fingers, Jerk in his car pouring opened ketchup packets on his face and Jerk making out with a Captain EO poster. to The Wire waking up from her 'dream'. Wire: Ugh... Oh... Ugh, what a horrible nightmare. Does real color burn like that? I can't remember. Oh! Make sure to join in next time when I talk about the ground-breaking 23rd season of that animated masterpiece, Ewoks. Isn't that right, Ketchup? a bottle of ketchup as the sounds from the last dream sequence fades in. to Jerk waking up from his dream Jerk: Oh god, what a horrible nightmare. Wait a minute. his wrist to see if he's still asleep Cool. Well anyway, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, closer to the camera and shakes it around KETCHUP! KETCHUP!!!! Spazz: up Oh! What a wonderful nightmare. I guess that assuming that Jerk JERK was just in my head the whole time, I'll be reviewing theme parks from now on, starting with whichever ride is in front of... Oh, come on! sees that he's in front of Captain EO. Cut to [[Nicktoons|Rocko's Modern Life] where Heffer Wolfe wakes up from his dream and breathes heavily. He gets up and walks toward his window.] Heffer: What a nightmare! Maybe I should lay off the exercise for a while. house turns into a cackling udder with a face with milk squirting out of it. The two other houses turn into laughing udder faces. Cut to clip from The Simpsons, Lisa is on the floor waking up from her dream. Lisa: Oh, it was just a dream. Largo: That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. And believe me, this is not a dream. screams. Cut to a clip from [[North], where the title character wakes up. He looks around to see the top from "Inception" spin, which fades to Jerk sleeping at the same place Spazz was sleeping. Jerk is wearing 3D glasses on his face] Jerk: in his sleep. No, no, no it can't be happening. No, "Inception" jokes are so last year, it can't be happening if its so last year. Why the hell did I reference "North?" wakes up, he shivers. He takes off his 3D glasses and then pinches his wrist. We then see he's looking at the "Inception" top Ok, mystical spinning top, do not lie to me, is this a dream? see the top is beginning to waver I'll take that as a no. to the camera Well folks, be sure to join me next time when I review whatever attraction is really right in front of me, because... screams, it's Captain EO. Then cut to a clip from "Back To The Future," Marty [Mcfly wakes up to see he's in a bed and the room is dark.] Marty by Jerk: Mom, is that you? Lorraine by Wire: There, there now, just relax. You've been asleep for almost a thousand years now. Marty: I had a horrible nightmare, dreamt I went back in time to the 80s when Captain EO was still open and I was fat and I had glasses and Tommy Wiseau hair, it was terrible. Lorraine: Well, you're safe and sound now back in Michael Jackson's mind. Marty: Realizes Michael Jackson's mind?!?! puts the Light on, Marty gets up to see Captain EO shooting some rainbow laser from his hands as we cut to the "Back To The Future" 'To Be Continued->' logo shows to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," which Jerk makes scatting noises over as we cut to the end credits. ''This is done in order to avoid the copyright bots he encountered when he first posted the video, to whom he ends his scat by singing, "Fuck you, bots!" ''In the middle of it we cut to The Wire. Wire: Oh, those cute, furry, little Ewoks, pulls out a toy blaster their day is coming! does a Robocop like spin with is as we cut back to credits. Afterward, we cut to the 3 of them on the Califonia Screamin' All 3: Until next time, we're some jerks with cameras! then the ride starts End Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides